Insult to Injury

October 20, 2008

This post is going to be a rant.

Walking into the Lyndhurst courthouse early this morning to pay a traffic violation I had not the money for, I had no idea that I was walking into the future of our society. The Lyndhurst courthouse looks like every other small-town, Napoleon-complexesque courthouse I've every seen, and I've seen quite a few. It was about 8:24 a.m., and they had pretty much just opened for business. "Great", I figured. "I'll be able to get this done quite handily, and possibly make it to my stupid job downtown in a timely fashion". WROOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGG!

The first couple of times I was forced to enter this bastion of American law I had no problem walking right up to the window, paying whatever fine I had incurred, and going about the rest of my day to stew about the fine and curse the system. I expected nothing less than being able to do just that following this particular visit. Turning the corner I realized I was wrong.

Airport security metal detectors leading upstairs to the courtroom, guarded by the oldest cops they possibly could have propped up. I noticed an old couple standing under the sill of the hallway near the entrance, that leads to some hellhole of an administrative office. The cops informed me that they were not quite open yet, and to get in line behind the old people. Fair enough. Lines happen. So I got in.

They called in the wife first, and the old man followed like the devoted spouse he is. He was brusquely rebuffed and told to wait his turn, despite his statement that he was with her. He came back in line and I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him. "Buncha royal assholes here", he said. Of course I laughed mostly because he was elderly, but also because I tended to agree.

After he had made it through I was called up with the entirety of my pockets in my hands after overhearing the necessity of this. Cop one passed the airport-style bin of my mediocre belongings to cop two behind the metal detector. As I passed through flawlessly, cop two rifled through my belongings. I realized that I had left in my pocket a Jim Dunlop guitar capo, which has sharp, spiky edges on it. Cop two picked it up, looked at it, and muttered "what the hell is this?" Hindsight being 20/20, I later thought it would be hilarious if I were to have replied, "obviously you're not an assassin". Realistically, I'm not that clever in the moment, and I muttered "it's for a guitar". Satisfied with that answer, he gave me directions regarding where to go, and sent me up the stairs. CLEARANCE!

Upstairs, I proceeded straight to the window to pay my confounded fine. Some nasty woman who apparently considered her face a canvas and rouge the paint, told me to go check in at the courtroom. I told her I was just trying to pay my fine, and she annoyed pointed in the direction of the House of All Relevance. Stumbling dumbfoundedly into the Hall of Justice, I wondered why there were already so many defendants sitting around when, according to old cop 1, they had not yet opened. Some suit asked me what I was there for, and I related my situation that I was just trying to pay my ticket and leave, but that the Rouge Princess had sent me into the Punishment Chamber. He passed me on to another suit who asked for my name, and then asked me again why I was there. Suit 2 insisted that if I had to come into the courtroom, my ticket must not be waiverable. I insisted back that it was, in fact waiverable, but that the Rouge Princess had refused to serve me (contrary to her label as a public servant) and sent me into his affectionate grasp. I locked eyes with a dude roughly my age who rolled his eyes and smiled, to which I did the same. Suit 2 found my "case", looked it over, and said again "uhh, it must not be waiverable". I again insisted that it was, and he told me to return to the window and try to pay it again. Should I be shot down by the Rouge Princess once more, I should return to the House of Flying Justice Daggers.

Returning to the payment window, I was EXTREMELY ANNOYED to find that a man and his family were there paying a fine without any trouble, especially since selfish old Ray was without question in attendance first. I sat down and waited for this man, wife, and child to finish their business so I could finish mine. Observing these folks uninterestedly, I realized that more than a few people were making something of a stink over the father. Of course, being the crass bastard I am I thought to myself, "what the fuck, who the fuck is this guy".  I overheard a guy I will refer to as old cop 3 asking the man at the window if he would sign an autograph for "the girls in back", Jenny, Millie, or whoeverthefuck. At this point, I was really getting annoyed. I thought old cop 3 was just being cute when asking for an "autograph" on some legal admission of guilt or something of that nature. Then a few lawyers and a couple more cops came out and began to fawn on this relatively average looking man.

I think old cop 3 realized that I was getting irritated by the whole situation. He came up to me and asked, "Are you a Cleveland Indians fan?". I was wearing a fucking Tribe hat. I felt like replying, "obviously, you're not". But, being the standoffishly courteous nothing I am, I replied with a mumbled "yeah". He looked at me and went, "that's Rafael Betancourt". "Oh, ok", I replied. Betancourt in court. How precious. Apparently, Raffy is a resident of Lyndhurst and was trying to pay a traffic violation too. I thought it quite unprofessional of the half of the upstairs staff of the 'Hurst courthouse to ask the poor bastard for numerous autographs as he was trying, just like me, to get in and out as quick as possible. Also, Raffy is apparently a much nicer guy than me. I don't know about you, but if I were in a similar situation, being asked for autographs by a bunch of people who just cost me a bunch of money, my answer would be "Absolutely not. Please maintain a professional air."

As I paid for my ticket, I listened to the cops and lawyers joking with Raffy about his ticket, apparently received for trying to get his young son to school on time. One of the cops said to him, "who wrote you that ticket? [Whatever the cop's name was]? Hah! He'd write his own grandmother a ticket!", implying that good ole Raffy should have received some special treatment. Typical law enforcement mindset, typically annoying. I really felt for Mr. Betancourt in this situation, being a semi-popular figure in the area just trying to remain anonymous like the rest of us. I paid my ticket and trundled stormily away, with the inane banter of the cops and lawyers directed at Raffy fading in the distance.  A friend of mine later asked me if I got his autograph. "Hell no", I said. "The man had already endured enough annoyance for one day".

At least I was only 20 minutes late for work.

Thoughts On Deaf By Arms' First Tour

This was an old post from June 08, but I really liked it because it's a recollection of a really cool time.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Thoughts On DBA’s First Tour  Current mood:  grateful Soda, Sleazy, Nick Nasty, Furface, La Rock, Mush, Mick, and I just returned from an 8-day tour we did together. It was DBA's first ever tour, and I have to say that it went incredibly better than I could ever have imagined. In the next few minutes, I'mma take yo ass on an abbreviated recap of the highlights (and lowlights) of what proved to be an awesome time. May 24, 2008 ::Braddock, PA:: w/She Feels Like Pittsburgh, Ryan Williams, Kevin Wyckoff (Slug's Revenge) and Emily the Banjo Player, Whiskey Smile!, and Luke After some confusion due to crappy mapquest directions, we finally got to Luke's house in Braddock. All of the people we hung out and chatted with before, during, and after the show were amazing. It was a ridiculously long night of incredible music. Furface started up the set, followed by us, JLR/MM, Kevin and Emily, She Feels Like Pittsburgh, Ryan Williams, Whiskey Smile!, and then Luke to close it out. Kevin and Gabe (Whiskey Smile!) are a couple of our good buddies, so we were excited to see them again. Our new friend Laney's (SFLP) set was intoxicating(ed) and soaring, and Ryan Williams offered his usual serving of angry protest folk. Ryan didn't play for very long, citing drunkenness as his reason, and also did not play naked this time (bummer). I swear I've seen his junk more than I've seen my own. By the time Gabe played, he was HAMMERED and taking requests. He also played a couple of his new songs, "Scumfuck You" and "Moocher's Etiquette", which I highly recommend. Luke wrapped it all up with his brand of insane, melancholic acoustico-metal. He's a really talented guitarist, and a really nice dude. This show rocked!!!! If you're interested in checking out any of the artists we played with, you can download their entire discographies for FREE at www.rustystrings.org. May 25, 2008 ::Titusville, PA:: w/West Coast Burning We got into Titusville around 5ish on Sunday for the second house show of the tour. We were slated to play with a local band called West Coast Burning. This show was at Jade's house, and I have to preface this entire entry with the comment that Jade is a TOTAL SWEETHEART! She was by far one of the nicest people we met on the entire tour. After hanging out with a bunch of cool kids on Jade's porch, the show started in this crazy back sunroom area that had all kinds of cool scrawling all over the walls. Furface played his set and then West Coast Burning came on. Their set was fast, angry, aggressive, and complete with some of the local kids skateboarding around the room to the music. It was insanity. As I stood watching from the kitchen, my eyes locked with Nasty Nick's. He began to gesture five fingers and a fist, five fingers and a fist, all the while mouthing the words "five" and "oh". You guessed it. Nick had spotted Titusville's finest rolling down the street to break up the show. We wound up not playing this date. Some of the local kids offered to move the show to a field about 40 minutes away, but after one run in with the authorities today, we decided to deal with the pain of not playing. Jade made us spaghetti, we said our goodbyes and headed off in the general direction of Newark, Delaware. May 26, 2008 ::Newark, DE:: w/ some local cover band and some local blues band I'm not known for my discretion when it comes to things I don't agree with, so you can understand that I'm not about to hold anything back regarding this show. We hung out in Newark for a few hours, sampling some of the cuisine and shops, and taking in the sights of all of the highly attractive co-eds roaming around the home of the University of Delaware. Seriously, Newark is hot. I'm not kidding. It was one of the most attractive places I've been to in a long time. All this aside, we got to the venue a bit before the time the show was supposed to start. We all started off thinking we were going to have 30 minute sets. Around 10 o'clock, we were told that all the acts on our tour had until 11:15 to play our sets. That's a time crunch as it is. By 10:40 all of the acts on our tour had played. Fur cut his set slightly short which, when played in its entirety is only 15 minutes anyway. We were cut short around 18 or 20 minutes, and La Rock and Mush only got to play 9 minutes. THAT, my friends, IS BULLSHIT. Regardless, I think some of the people at the club dug our sciences, we made a few bucks on gas, and most importantly got to chill with our friends April and Pat from Guerilla Party (myspace.com/guerillaparty). They are cool people who made cool jams, and you should definitely witness their science at some point. After the show, which included a blues band that not only took 20 minutes JUST TO SET UP but also played for almost 2 hours, all 8 of we tourmates crammed into a room at the hotel next door. Some shady lady outside asked Chris if he had any crack. He said, "no, do you?" and she got defensive and said she was just kidding. Silly crackheads. May 27 & 28, 2008 ::Greenville, NC:: w/Remora, Hotel Hotel, and MC Homeless In Greenville, there's a whole lot happenin'. We got down there a day early since our South Carolina date was cancelled and we didn't want to spend the money to drive an extra 10 hours for a radio show. This wound up being awesome though, because we got to spend two nights chillin' with Davey (AmeriKKKan Hostage) and Homeless, whom none of us have seen in quite a long time. We stayed at their place both nights, and they were honestly amazing. We also hung with Richard, Em, and Emmilee, all of whom treated us with incredible kindness. Quick story: as soon as we got down to Greenville, we all ran up to Homeless' room to delegate where we were all going to sleep on his floor. I immediately pointed to the spot right under the air conditioner. Eddie pointed at a mic stand on the floor and said "what's that?" I said "a mic stand". Then he pointed again and said "no, that". It was a fairly substantial roach. I kicked the micstand causing the bug to scurry, did a 6-year-old girlish, screaming Irish jig, and squished it. Roaches became a frequent topic for the next two nights. That sucka was HUGE! When I lived in Collinwood, we had our fair share, but I never saw one that size. From what I'm told, the farther South you go, the more that monthly extermination bills become a regular utility. Alot of people said that if you thought Greenville was bad, you should see some of the bugs in Florida. But I digress. We all chilled all night, and slept in the next morning. It started raining late the first night and rained ALL day until right before the show. I felt kinda yucky so I spent probably 5 or more hours on the couch in the hallway of the house, as it was cold and rainy. We played an AWESOME show at 21 Eleven, Richard's Beer and Wine store, with some really cool bands. You should definitely check out Remora, Hotel Hotel and of course, LRI's own MC Homeless, who played in an amazing old school star-spangled wrestling uniform. You should also check these people out because they're really cool people. After the show we headed back to the house and hung with Davey and Emmilee until the wee, wee, wee early hours of the morning. All night, Davey said some of the funniest things I have heard all year. I got him to drunkenly agree to host an instructional video that teaches kids to read. Unfortunately, I could not talk him into moving back to Pittsburgh or anywhere in the Midwest. We miss Davey (and you too, Homeless). After what amounted to a nap, we shoved off toward Baltimore. And by the way, I can't thank Richard enough for helping us out with the show, a place to stay, and door money for gas. You rule, dude. May 29, 2008 ::Baltimore, MD:: w/ PT Burnem, Breakfast Records, and Pikesvillain Baltimore is an interesting town. We pulled up to the Turntable Club and were greeted by flashing blue lights on the telephone pole across the street. They were part of a surveillance box that had two cameras on it. On the box, it said something to the effect of "City of Baltimore Police; 24/7 Citywatch". And then on the bottom it said, and no I'm not kidding...BELIEVE. It was some serious Big Brother shit. Either way, we loaded in, soundcheck and chilled with Kevin, the awesome soundguy, and Missy, one of the cool people who works at the club. We started up the show finally and it wound up being all of the bands playing to each other. I'm not sure what happened but it must not have been that well promoted. Either way, we had fun, met, and heard some cool new people. PT spat some wicked rhymes, Breakfast records rolled through an upbeat set, and Pikesvillain offered a unique blend of classic rock and hip-hop. Check all these people out. You won't be disappointed. After the show, we got out of Orwellmore and headed up to Connecticut. May 30, 2008 ::Trumbull, CT:: w/Brooklyn Panic, Pretend You're Happy, & Mutiny Amongst Friends This show rocked. I could stop here, but I won't. DIY Bandits set this one up at C-Dawg's House in Trumbull, CT. Despite the fact that gas was the most expensive in CT than any of the other states we were in, it's a really pretty place. There were a ton of cool people at this show, including some really cool bands, and Pepe and C-Dawg of course (Pepe did alot of the leg work that made this show happen so many thanks to him). "Brooklyn Panic" consists of a chick on sax, xylophone and vox and a dude playing acoustic and singing. They played a bunch of interesting and original folk songs. Some of the people in the crowd knew these songs and sang along. Furface and JLR/MM played energetic sets, and were followed by "Pretend You're Happy" (formerly Mantits). They consisted of a dude playing electric guitar, piano, and singing, a flautist/vocalist chick, a drummer, a bassist, and a stand-up bass player. The set consisted of a number of intricately arranged songs with odd timings and cool breakdowns. We played after them, and the kids there were awesome. For the first time the whole tour, we had kids moshing. When I said we had about two more left, Pepe yelled "no, play three!" and some other people cheered. That was seriously awesome and made the whole tour a success in my mind. After our set, Caleb, Emily, and the rest of Mutiny Amongst Friends played a set full of catchy sing-alongs about growing up and living in shitty towns. They are a totally fun band, and will be touring near you this summer. You NEED to check them out. They're also really awesome kids. I particularly enjoyed the last song, a crowd-participation jam that allowed everyone during pauses to say a phrase regarding what they are "addicted to". My first line was "I'm addicted to not getting arrested" (a reference to a run in I had earlier in the week with 7 Maryland police cars that ended with me NOT getting arrested). They played the next bar, stopped and looked at me. Not realizing I needed two sentences, I just looked at them, so Caleb smiled, went "I'm not", and they played again. After the show, we hung out with everyone, and C-Dawg let us crash at his place. His hospitality was amazing, and I have to thank him, Pepe, DIY Bandits, and Emily, Caleb and "Mutiny" for their separate offer of a place to crash. CONNECTICUT RULES!!!!! I can't wait to play there again. We woke up after probably my best sleep of the entire tour, and shipped up to Boston. May 31, 2008 ::Worcester, MA:: w/some band that didn't show The crowd in Worcester (pronounced "Wooster" or "Wusster", yeah I don't get it either) was sparse, and the band we were supposed to play with didn't show. Nevertheless, we had a great time. The people there were extremely cool to us, and I have to send big ups out to the guy and the girl sitting at the bar for the constant head nodding during our set. They were cool as hell, and apparently the dude was way down with stuff from Cleveland, as he and I engaged in a conversation about some random, marginally popular bands from Cleveland. At the end of JLR/MM's set the entire tour sang the last few choruses of "Grimey" together. I chatted with the kids at the bar some more, we gave them demos and stickers, and then departed eagerly for home and our much-desired beds. This tour was an incredible experience that I'm definitely never going to forget. I met so many cool new people and felt so much positive energy that I can't wait to tour again sometime soon. I'm totally proud of my bandmates and my tourmates, and I'm ridiculously excited for all of the cool things that seem to be happening at the speed of light. Once again, I have to thank all of the amazing people who helped make the whole thing so cool, in no particular order: Laney (She Feels Like Pittsburgh) and Luke, Jade, April and Pat (Guerilla Party), Richard, Homeless, Davey, Em, Emmilee, Kevin, Missy, Kenny, C-Dawg, Pepe, DIY Bandits, Emily (Mutiny Amongst Friends), and Jerry Fels. And of course all of the amazing people we met and the bands we played with that were mentioned throughout. Thanks is not a big enough word. Peace and many, many kisses to all. ~Ray